diary 10-21-18

Dear diary, I’ve decided that even though I have midterms on Monday that I would write a little something as a sort of break from studying – but if I’m being honest I’m very bad at studying anyways, so I feel like the break won’t really affect much. ANYWAYS, aside from my super bad studying habits, I wanted write out some of my disjointed thoughts about my newest relationship, boyfriend, whatever.

We’ve been dating for I would say maybe a month and a half.

It was a lot of hesitancy on my part at first because I prefer slowly getting into relationships, meaning being friends first then dating, etc. but he was and still is a roller coaster ride. I thought he had only wanted me for my body at first. I thought that he was one of those ‘love ’em and leave ’em’ type of guys. Which totally confirmed my thoughts about being friends first when it comes to relationships.

But, I took a chance and went on a date with him and I’m happy I took a chance.

It was scary because it happened so fast and its still scary.

I’m very attached to him now and when I try and imagine what it would be like if he left, it hurts.

I think that if we slowed down, I’d be less nervous than I am now. What I mean by fast, I mean I’ve met his best friends and he’s met my family-these are important milestones in a relationship and its strange to me how fast it all is. Its new is what I’m trying to say.

And, there’s still those insecurities that I’m sure most people get when they get into new relationships (or maybe they don’t and I’m just odd, I don’t know). Sometimes, I wonder am I good enough? Am I being supportive enough? Am I doing this or that enough? And, I know myself well enough that these insecurities are lingering doubts on whether dating someone right now is the right option for me at this stage in my life, where I probably should be focusing more on school over dividing it in half. But, I also know myself well enough that I’m too stubborn to let him go.

But, he makes me happy so we’ll see how it goes.

Also, (I’m pretty sure he’ll end up reading this sooner or later, soo… ) he looks better with glasses.

Aside from that, I’ve decided that I still don’t know when I’ll post in the future. BUT, because it was five am when I wrote this, and we all make weird decisions when its early in the morning, I’ll post again for sure on November 1st and 6th. Those dates are significant for reasons I’m sure you can figure out yourself