so i got sick

Y’all have no idea how annoyed I was at my inability to instill in myself enough stubbornness to write a blog post when I said I was going to. I was originally going to post on November 6, because, well, midterm elections. But, my body decided to get sick so here I am a day late. Still sick by the way.

SO let’s start with basic recap on my experiences with voting for the first time ever. It was a lot more research than I anticipated, and there was a lot of names I didn’t recognize which was not that surprising. I’m an independent so I voted entirely based on whichever candidate I felt like would do the best in that specific position. I’ve voted for Republicans and Democrats simply because compared to the others, that person seemed like a better choice. Don’t ask me who I voted for specifically because I can’t remember at the moment. I’m definitely excited to vote again.

What else did I have to say?

I haven’t started my December Dress yet, which I should.

I got sick like four days ago and I’m still not recovered as I’m writing this. Some kind of viral infection in my throat (the doc didn’t specify which kind of viral infection, which confused me but its not strep throat so that’s a relief). I’ve been hopped up on ibuprofen and water.

Things are great with the boyfriend, which is awesome, dunno if I’ve mentioned that we’ve made up.

It’s the holiday season which means Christmas songs can be played all the time without getting funny looks.

So yeah. Good times.

xox celestie

 

diary 10-23-18

So.. sometimes when I’m feeling upset, its easier to process how I feel with words. I essentially word vomit everything I have to say.

Its been two days since my last ‘diary entry.’

My love life took a turn for the worst, maybe one day I’ll share the specifics of what happened, but for now I’ll keep it to myself. Suffice to say that I’ve never felt such a heart-wrenching pain in my life and I’ll be honest, I ugly-cried for like two hours straight in the back of my car because I didn’t trust myself to drive after it happened.

Its been maybe eight hours since the ‘Incident’ and I’m still sad but at the same time calmer. My eyes burn and I feel slightly dehydrated but even though I feel absolutely awful, I know we can come back from this.

I do love him dearly, and that will never change.

You know, I’m someone who learns best from personal experiences and I know that to those around me, I might be acting too forgiving or too hasty or whatever. But, I know that if I just stand by and let it happen, I could never forgive myself. Especially if I could have done something that changed the outcome. So, I feel like I did all that I could but it doesn’t stop it from hurting.

I give so much relationship advice and I can’t help but wonder if the advice I’m giving is good advice. The advice I give others is based on what I would do in that situation. But if I’m making the wrong decisions, how would I know? Choosing to trust and forgive is easy for me, because its all I know. But what if I’m wrong?

 

xoxo celestie

diary 10-21-18

Dear diary, I’ve decided that even though I have midterms on Monday that I would write a little something as a sort of break from studying – but if I’m being honest I’m very bad at studying anyways, so I feel like the break won’t really affect much. ANYWAYS, aside from my super bad studying habits, I wanted write out some of my disjointed thoughts about my newest relationship, boyfriend, whatever.

We’ve been dating for I would say maybe a month and a half.

It was a lot of hesitancy on my part at first because I prefer slowly getting into relationships, meaning being friends first then dating, etc. but he was and still is a roller coaster ride. I thought he had only wanted me for my body at first. I thought that he was one of those ‘love ’em and leave ’em’ type of guys. Which totally confirmed my thoughts about being friends first when it comes to relationships.

But, I took a chance and went on a date with him and I’m happy I took a chance.

It was scary because it happened so fast and its still scary.

I’m very attached to him now and when I try and imagine what it would be like if he left, it hurts.

I think that if we slowed down, I’d be less nervous than I am now. What I mean by fast, I mean I’ve met his best friends and he’s met my family-these are important milestones in a relationship and its strange to me how fast it all is. Its new is what I’m trying to say.

And, there’s still those insecurities that I’m sure most people get when they get into new relationships (or maybe they don’t and I’m just odd, I don’t know). Sometimes, I wonder am I good enough? Am I being supportive enough? Am I doing this or that enough? And, I know myself well enough that these insecurities are lingering doubts on whether dating someone right now is the right option for me at this stage in my life, where I probably should be focusing more on school over dividing it in half. But, I also know myself well enough that I’m too stubborn to let him go.

But, he makes me happy so we’ll see how it goes.

Also, (I’m pretty sure he’ll end up reading this sooner or later, soo… ) he looks better with glasses.

Aside from that, I’ve decided that I still don’t know when I’ll post in the future. BUT, because it was five am when I wrote this, and we all make weird decisions when its early in the morning, I’ll post again for sure on November 1st and 6th. Those dates are significant for reasons I’m sure you can figure out yourself

XOXO,

celestie