idk what to title this lol

DISCLAIMER THESE ARE ALL OPINIONS NO ONE IS FORCING ANYONE TO ACCEPT WHAT IM SAYING LOL

Someone recently (today haha) asked me about couple compatibility. And, for me, it all comes down to similar core values.

Core values as in the same or similar beliefs in regards to different virtues and vices (I totally borrowed these words from my ethics class). Virtues like honesty, compassion, and pride (there are others lol). Vices like killing, lying, and greed. There are spectrums to these things and I think we all have an opinion/belief on them. So when these core values coincide with another person is when I think compatibility exists between people, it doesn’t always have to be couples, it can be friends too.

I don’t think that having exactly the same interests is as important compared this. Like yes, you can bond over having the same favorite artists or the same show, but it’s not as important. The saying “opposites attract,” is not true in terms of core values.

To give an example, my sister and I have been opposites from since we were very young, we have different interests, different styles, different favorites, different personalities-opposites almost. But the one thing that we are the same in, is our core beliefs-we both value the same things in people and in ourselves: compassion and consideration for others, generosity because we are privileged, all these things. And, one might say that of course we have similar values, we were raised together by the same parents-but my other sister differs completely from us in terms of values. I’m not saying she doesn’t value the same things, but she puts more importance on other things.

But I was also asked what a couple should do if they find themselves incompatible by my defintion. And to what extent? What lines shouldn’t be crossed?

I personally don’t believe that a couple would be together if they were completely incompatible. I think that something must have drawn them together in the first place aside from physical appearance. BUT on the off chance that it does happen, I would say that (as a true romantic would) that if they loved each other enough and they were willing to fight for each other enough, then they should be able to get through it. And, I’m not saying that they should pretend like their differences don’t exist and ignore the problem entirely. But, I think that if they were willing to put in the effort to stay together, then they should focus that effort into understanding the other person’s point of view to gain some clarity.

But, the thing is with this is that, relationships will never be easy-even amongst compatible couples.

But there are lines that shouldn’t be crossed y’know?

To give an example (no this did not happen to me LOL):

An ‘incompatible’ couple with differing views on let’s say killing. Person 1 believes that it’s okay to kill others in defense of family and friends. Person 2 completely disagrees and believes that you should never ever kill anyone no matter the circumstances. Person 1 also believes that lying is unacceptable, that you should always be honest with yourself and others. Person 2 thinks that there are exceptions to this. They both accept that the other has different beliefs from themselves, but they choose to ignore it, they don’t talk about it because its a ‘touchy’ subject. They pretend this problem doesn’t exist-and thats’s not healthy. It’s borderline toxic even, at least in my opinion because I made this basic scenario up.

OR

If person 2 was completely blinded by his/her love (infatuation?) for person 1, that they were ignorant to a difference in values, then I would also consider that to be toxic.

But, what I’m trying to say is that I feel the line is crossed when the relationship becomes toxic. Toxic is subjective, it is different for every relationship so I won’t label something definitively as being toxic. But, I definitely feel like this is one of those things where you have to let your friends in and have them keep you in check. At least, that’s what I do and I make sure they know I appreciate them and what they have to say even if I don’t agree.

thanks for reading this lol

relationships are my soapbox if you longtime readers haven’t noticed yet.

xox celestie

 

starting the conversation

Again, I feel like I say this a lot but, it feels like it has been a while since I’ve sat down and just written. So, today I want to talk about something that is kind of controversial (okay maybe really controversial). I was originally going to talk about identifying insecurities in yourself and how to combat it, but this topic seemed more interesting and I want to save the topic of insecurities for a video blog. So, my topic for today is why I feel schools should start teaching sex education more and way better.

I remember in middle school in sixth grade, we were separated into boys and girls and each group was sent to different rooms to watch a video about puberty. I could tell by just looking around that no one was paying attention, and no one cared. At the time, I wondered why no one paid any attention because this was stuff that was important to know. But, there was also that the video was poorly made and so no one took it seriously. Fortunately, my mum had got me one of those books on puberty with those awkward drawings and kind of awkward advice but it was really informative (I’ll link the book my parents got me down below). So, I considered myself lucky that I was so informed as compared to my ignorant classmates, who giggled everytime the p-word came up. Though, to be fair this was back in sixth grade.

At the end of the video, the teacher supervising said that in eighth grade we would be watching another video on safe sex and protection. It never happened.

My parents never gave me the dreaded “Talk” because they always believed in abstinence until marriage. So, I never knew about birth control pills and the other types of contraceptives available for young teenage girls. It was pure idiocy to believe that you could get away with practicing sex without some sort of protection and yet, a lot of people I knew believed that. Of course, in high school we learned some things, but it wasn’t enough to be completely informed about all the risks.

I learned a lot of this through research because I am not one to take unnecessary risks because I was too lazy or because it was too embarrassing. It is important to know.

A lot of parents often feel uncomfortable talking about this subject, but it is really important to be transparent about this topic in particular. You do no one a favor by keeping your child ignorant of something like this.

My advice to starting a conversation about this is to start with asking them about what they know and don’t know and fill in where they are lacking. Here’s a list of questions to cover a general spectrum of ideas (some are gender specific so be careful about what you ask):

  1. What do you know about the female/male anatomy?
  2. What do you know about practicing safe sex?
  3. What do you know about contraceptives? (and parents even if you don’t want to contemplate the idea of your kid having sex at all, please have your child get some sort of IUD or pill or even have some form contraceptive available-because it’s better to know that they are practicing safe sex over not knowing at all what your child is upto until it is too late)
  4. What do you know about STDs?
  5. Give general advice about how your child should abstain from sex in general lol.

So, final thoughts. I think that schools do their students a great injustice when they allow them to be ignorant of safe sex and puberty. This is a topic that will never be ‘comfortable’ to talk about but it is a must. I wish that I had been given the talk and had access to contraceptives like birth control pills just for the reassurance, that safety net.

Puberty Book– This book is one that was created by the American Doll brand and they have a lot of self care, teenage help books for girls.

DAY4

Hey guys! it’s officially day 4 of my a-post-a-day challenge!

So, today’s topic is body image and my advice for loving your body no matter what.

Let’s paint a picture.

Imagine a Taiwanese and Vietnamese mix, 4’11 girl.

She has short hair a little past her shoulders and wears glasses too big for her baby face (but that’s how she likes it).

She’s got so-called ‘small bones,’ with a 23 ½ inch waist, 31 ½ inch hips, and 31 inch bust.

She’s got an arch in her foot because she wore heels at too young an age and that arch is not natural but she looks like she has dancers’ feet now.

She has no thigh gap, she’s got hip dips and belly rolls (just like everybody else) and jiggly upper arms.

I’ve always been told that I was short and much too skinny.

People would always ask me if I was anorexic or bulimic-but I swear I’m not.

My sister calls me fat all the time (not in a malicious way-she just means I have to get up from the couch and go exercise).

I’ve never felt uncomfortable with how I look because I’m confident in myself and that while appearances are important-its how I present myself to others that detract from how I look and put more emphasis on my personality.

I’ve been ‘skinny-shamed,’ and I’ve been called ‘vertically challenged,’ but I’ve never really cared because I’m content with the way I am. You know, its easy to overlook these comments if you’re truly confident in yourself. I make jokes about my height all the time-its easier to win hide and seek by the way.

You can learn to love yourself by: standing in front of a mirror and just say one positive thing about yourself every day; wear the right clothes, ones that make you feel ready to take on the world (I didn’t win best dressed senior by wearing sweats every day ya know); focus on being a good person to those around you-your friends can build up your confidence better than you can alone; there’s plenty of other ways other bloggers have discovered that I haven’t thought of.

The plus-size community is a pretty powerful group of people sharing self-love and image positivity. The reason that this group in particular is so successful, is because they have icons and activists who are confident in themselves and their identity and their fans share that confidence (because we all want to imitate our idols).

If you don’t feel comfortable with the way you are now-then change to be better. If you don’t love your rolls or your love handles, exercise and work for the body you want. It’s all about mindset, you have to believe that you can do it-because in the end if its something that you really want, then you just do it. You can complain and whine as much as you want-as long as you get the job done. There are a lot of people who wallow in self-pity because they’re not happy with the way they are-and what I say to them is this:

“Don’t hate on society for shaming you when you shame yourself. It’s a different story if you accept and love yourself just the way you are. But if you wish that you had the body of a model from that magazine you like, if you wish to look different from the way you are now-then you have to change your attitude. Work hard to obtain the changes you want-because there will always be body-shamers out there and it’s easy to blame them. Don’t take the easy way out.”

I’m not saying its easy. I’m not saying that it’ll be instant results. I’m not saying that you should change to conform to society’s expectations of beautiful (because that is always changing)-but if its your own personal goal-if the reason you want to change is to better yourself-then you have to work hard.

PROUD

My sister, prior to me writing this (obviously LOL), asked me for a friend of hers, if I believed if cheaters can change- and I said,

-that he wouldn’t have cheated in the first place if he cared for her.

-he shouldn’t have cheated on her if he even respected her, even just a little bit.

This lack of respect reminds me of the relationship my best friend had with this guy (yes, I did get permission to tell this story).

I think that while he genuinely liked her for quite a while, he was also burdened by expectations from his friends and people that only knew of him.

I remember when we were kids-fifth graders, everyone knew he had a crush on her and they both had been teased about it for quite a while. Flash forward to the summer before senior year-they go on their first date. It’s all roses and sunshine, I went on a couple double dates with them, etc. Then comes time for college application month, NaNoWriMo to some, etc. Basically, November-the month of craziness. They have their first fight over not going out on enough dates. She’s busy with college stuff so she can’t go out and so they argue. He isn’t happy and basically ignores her for the next four months and the most talking they do is small talk over text. OVER TEXT, guys. Its silent. She finally was able to get a chance to break up with him late May. So, what this tells me is that there were a lot of issues that were never addressed and still have not been addressed. Both had issues and I’m not blind to her problems just because she’s my best friend.

A lack of communication. When the only method of communication that a couple is comfortable using is text-well that’s a big no-no isn’t it.

Too much pressure. Like I mentioned previously, a lot of people had played matchmaker with them and I think one of the reasons they got together was because so many people were indirectly pressuring them to be together.

Both acted cowardly (in my opinion, sorry bestie!). Anyways, they never really confronted each other in person-which ties back to the communication portion. They ignored their problems until it blew up in their faces.

She could have made time for him-the whole argument they had-could have been avoided had she made time for him. Relationships are all about give-and-take, compromise.

At the same time, it was a busy time for her and he could have been more understanding.

Ultimately none of these things that are kind of important to a successful relationship existed.

I side with her because she’s my best friend, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that she wasn’t also in the wrong ya know?

She doesn’t play victim and she knows she has issues-I don’t fake sympathizing with her because she doesn’t need it. I’m proud that she respects herself and him enough to not play victim, to not point fingers.

Final advice?

Find someone who will respect you first as a person, then pursue a relationship if that’s what you wish.

 

OWN IT

I had always fallen victim to the so-called ‘blame game.’ There are times when I found that it was just so much easier to blame someone else for my lack of success when I know logically it really wasn’t anyone else’s fault that they got the opportunity to do something that I wanted to do. This sense of entitlement is something I fell victim to maybe in middle school and I realized when I started high school that things were different. I opened my eyes to the truth.

Gary Vaynerchuk is famous for his speeches and advice for success. One thing that he’s said recently struck a cord with me, he says,

“But when you take control of your at bat. When you put it all on yourself. When it’s your fault. And your wins. When you own it. That’s when it starts happening.”

I thought it was really important to share this because I totally believe its true. I may not have lived for a very long time-but even I know that if you want to be successful you have to take control of your life-not only by owning up to whatever you’ve done with your life so far, but also knowing that despite whatever talent you think you have-it won’t be enough. Yes, hard work and opportunity is important. But, I also feel like you can’t really get anywhere if you don’t know people. The mentality of masses as a whole and how society is going to react. We will always have exceptions to opinions, its understanding the majority that gives insight to general mentality. I think its important to know people. How they think, how they react. How will they react to whatever content you put out? How will you appeal to them if they were your fans? Stuff like that doesn’t seem important but it is.

For example, if I wanted to become a best-selling author one day, then I would not only need to write something that will appeal to a specific demographic but I would also need to gauge possible reactions to the release so that I can be prepared to respond.

If I wanted to be a car saleswoman than I would need to understand people on a more physical level-body reactions, I’d need to be persuasive. I would need to understand people on a fundamental level.

Any job that one might have-will involve dealing with all kinds of people, how is subjective but in principle the message is the same.

I’m only 17, but others… well let’s just say they’ve only got one life and they should be squeezing the hell out of whatever they’ve got left.