diary 10-23-18

So.. sometimes when I’m feeling upset, its easier to process how I feel with words. I essentially word vomit everything I have to say.

Its been two days since my last ‘diary entry.’

My love life took a turn for the worst, maybe one day I’ll share the specifics of what happened, but for now I’ll keep it to myself. Suffice to say that I’ve never felt such a heart-wrenching pain in my life and I’ll be honest, I ugly-cried for like two hours straight in the back of my car because I didn’t trust myself to drive after it happened.

Its been maybe eight hours since the ‘Incident’ and I’m still sad but at the same time calmer. My eyes burn and I feel slightly dehydrated but even though I feel absolutely awful, I know we can come back from this.

I do love him dearly, and that will never change.

You know, I’m someone who learns best from personal experiences and I know that to those around me, I might be acting too forgiving or too hasty or whatever. But, I know that if I just stand by and let it happen, I could never forgive myself. Especially if I could have done something that changed the outcome. So, I feel like I did all that I could but it doesn’t stop it from hurting.

I give so much relationship advice and I can’t help but wonder if the advice I’m giving is good advice. The advice I give others is based on what I would do in that situation. But if I’m making the wrong decisions, how would I know? Choosing to trust and forgive is easy for me, because its all I know. But what if I’m wrong?

 

xoxo celestie

POWER

Hey guys!

[storytime] So on Monday, I was driving to get lunch and there was this highway patrol car in front of me and it was a red light so I stopped behind this car. The light was taking a while since there was a lot of traffic (it was lunchtime) and the patrol car ran the red light. Now, I know that there are exceptions to traffic laws for police and law enforcement when there’s an emergency; but, there was no visible reason-from what I could see- to run the light other than impatience. There was no one speeding because of the high traffic, no car crash, no fire, etc. So, it was a really mind-boggling experience.

Now, I don’t know if it was legal of the person to run that light. I don’t know traffic laws in regards to law enforcement but, it didn’t seem that legal to me. Does anyone know?

So that story was a precursor to the main topic of this post.

Abraham Lincoln once said, “Nearly all men can withstand adversity, but if you want to test a man’s character, give him power.”

We all know that once given power, people change. Some become arrogant. Some make rash decisions. It’s in our nature. I am a huge bibliophile, I love books, I love stories. I love reading about people. An author is good when they are able to fully capture the vulnerability and rawness of being human. A lot of books I read are in the fantasy/mystery genres and its in those books where I’ve learned half of what I know about people. People who are given any kind of power often misuse it-that’s a fact (misuse is subjective I agree). But, the actions they take, are often not ‘good.’

Power corrupts, but how it corrupts is different for everybody. Someone who is in law enforcement-they are given power to make sure that the law is obeyed. This given power has them believing they are the law-and that’s corruption of their character. But this is a generalized example, obviously there are exceptions. Not everyone realizes their own power, and some who do-they realize the danger and their potential. Fame and influence is a power, some don’t realize the potential of that and those that do, they recognize the potential profit and future success that is possible or they choose to use that influence to help others. Any young person in this day and age will recognize the power of media and technology. It’s all about perspective-how you see the world.

(I had this whole post planned but it all went out of the window as soon as I started typing-I get lost in my own head sometimes.)

DAY3

It is day 3 of my a-post-a-day challenge!

My topic of the day is privilege.

I can safely say that I’ve led a privileged life so far. In my 17 (almost 18) years of living, I have never been left wanting. I grew up in a three-level house with both parents who loved me. I went to private school for a number of years and my parents have saved up enough money for me and my sisters to go to college and not have debts after. So, I’m blessed to have the advantages that I’ve had in life.

They say that it isn’t the underprivileged people that should be pitied-it should be those who have never known hardship and what its like to start from nothing-that should be pitied. The ones that start with nothing can only go up, and they know much better what its like to work hard-to work harder than the privileged person.

I like to think that I don’t act as spoiled as I am-but I know that the amount of money my parents have means nothing if the advantages that they’ve provided me with are wasted.

I know that in the end, their sheltering and coddling of me and my sisters only put us at a disadvantage.

But never let it be said that I’m ungrateful, because I am grateful for all they’ve done for me.

I’ve never really considered until now how much I’ve lost and I’ve gained from being borne in the station that I am in now.

I’ve never felt a true desire to work hard in my life.

I’ve never had the same motivation to be part of everything in school that my friends had.

I’ve never been the smartest or the prettiest or the most popular. I adored being completely average in every way.

I’ve always had the comfort of knowing that if I messed up-it was okay because my parents would be able to help me.

I’ve never worried too much about college and future careers because my parents always had me believe that things will always work out in the end.

I know that all of this makes me sound like an incredibly lazy, and unmotivated person- and I would say that its not inaccurate-but at the same time I feel like I’m happy that I didn’t end up way worse than I did. Because I know myself and I know my flaws quite well-so I know that I have the potential to be really awful and I know I have the potential to work as hard as everyone else.

I like to think that I was raised to be a good, law-abiding person, but we’re all flawed.