diary 10-23-18

So.. sometimes when I’m feeling upset, its easier to process how I feel with words. I essentially word vomit everything I have to say.

Its been two days since my last ‘diary entry.’

My love life took a turn for the worst, maybe one day I’ll share the specifics of what happened, but for now I’ll keep it to myself. Suffice to say that I’ve never felt such a heart-wrenching pain in my life and I’ll be honest, I ugly-cried for like two hours straight in the back of my car because I didn’t trust myself to drive after it happened.

Its been maybe eight hours since the ‘Incident’ and I’m still sad but at the same time calmer. My eyes burn and I feel slightly dehydrated but even though I feel absolutely awful, I know we can come back from this.

I do love him dearly, and that will never change.

You know, I’m someone who learns best from personal experiences and I know that to those around me, I might be acting too forgiving or too hasty or whatever. But, I know that if I just stand by and let it happen, I could never forgive myself. Especially if I could have done something that changed the outcome. So, I feel like I did all that I could but it doesn’t stop it from hurting.

I give so much relationship advice and I can’t help but wonder if the advice I’m giving is good advice. The advice I give others is based on what I would do in that situation. But if I’m making the wrong decisions, how would I know? Choosing to trust and forgive is easy for me, because its all I know. But what if I’m wrong?

 

xoxo celestie

starting the conversation

Again, I feel like I say this a lot but, it feels like it has been a while since I’ve sat down and just written. So, today I want to talk about something that is kind of controversial (okay maybe really controversial). I was originally going to talk about identifying insecurities in yourself and how to combat it, but this topic seemed more interesting and I want to save the topic of insecurities for a video blog. So, my topic for today is why I feel schools should start teaching sex education more and way better.

I remember in middle school in sixth grade, we were separated into boys and girls and each group was sent to different rooms to watch a video about puberty. I could tell by just looking around that no one was paying attention, and no one cared. At the time, I wondered why no one paid any attention because this was stuff that was important to know. But, there was also that the video was poorly made and so no one took it seriously. Fortunately, my mum had got me one of those books on puberty with those awkward drawings and kind of awkward advice but it was really informative (I’ll link the book my parents got me down below). So, I considered myself lucky that I was so informed as compared to my ignorant classmates, who giggled everytime the p-word came up. Though, to be fair this was back in sixth grade.

At the end of the video, the teacher supervising said that in eighth grade we would be watching another video on safe sex and protection. It never happened.

My parents never gave me the dreaded “Talk” because they always believed in abstinence until marriage. So, I never knew about birth control pills and the other types of contraceptives available for young teenage girls. It was pure idiocy to believe that you could get away with practicing sex without some sort of protection and yet, a lot of people I knew believed that. Of course, in high school we learned some things, but it wasn’t enough to be completely informed about all the risks.

I learned a lot of this through research because I am not one to take unnecessary risks because I was too lazy or because it was too embarrassing. It is important to know.

A lot of parents often feel uncomfortable talking about this subject, but it is really important to be transparent about this topic in particular. You do no one a favor by keeping your child ignorant of something like this.

My advice to starting a conversation about this is to start with asking them about what they know and don’t know and fill in where they are lacking. Here’s a list of questions to cover a general spectrum of ideas (some are gender specific so be careful about what you ask):

  1. What do you know about the female/male anatomy?
  2. What do you know about practicing safe sex?
  3. What do you know about contraceptives? (and parents even if you don’t want to contemplate the idea of your kid having sex at all, please have your child get some sort of IUD or pill or even have some form contraceptive available-because it’s better to know that they are practicing safe sex over not knowing at all what your child is upto until it is too late)
  4. What do you know about STDs?
  5. Give general advice about how your child should abstain from sex in general lol.

So, final thoughts. I think that schools do their students a great injustice when they allow them to be ignorant of safe sex and puberty. This is a topic that will never be ‘comfortable’ to talk about but it is a must. I wish that I had been given the talk and had access to contraceptives like birth control pills just for the reassurance, that safety net.

Puberty Book– This book is one that was created by the American Doll brand and they have a lot of self care, teenage help books for girls.

human experience

(this was my speech for a class)(also I was super proud of it in written form despite the disjointedness of it)

 

“We were the people who were not in the papers. We lived in the blank white spaces at the edges of print. It gave us more freedom. We lived in the gaps between the stories.”

-Margaret Atwood, “A Handmaid’s Tale”

Today, I’m going to talk about the time I journeyed through modern literature to find self-insight.

This was an experience that was a complex mix of emotion, inspiration, and enlightenment.

Years ago, some weekend in the fall, and I know for sure it was fall because reds, oranges and browns litter my memory of this event.

On the way home from visiting one of my uncles, my family and I stopped at a bookstore.

I remember this trip was different from ones in the past because I had decided that instead of getting books by well-known authors of just the mystery genre, I would try something new and get something from each genre, and of authors I did not know.

After finishing a lot of the books that same day, I was thinking over a lot of the things I had read and I felt enlightened and emotionally charged.

Each author despite different genres talk about abstract concepts, like life, death, all these things. But, each were able to describe the beauty in the collective human experience.

What it means to be human, to feel, and to experience the world around us. I could hear the authors’ voices swirling around in my head. Each with a different perspective and view on the world, it was explosive.

It was emotional in that you could feel pain, happiness, rage, elation, and all these emotions through the characters the authors had crafted and it was beautiful.

I had always loved reading but because of this experience, I was better able to understand the circumstances of the world around me and gain a tolerance for situations I might not know enough to judge.

This experience was a journey in and of itself, a journey of really self-insight and discovery.

I think that stories and novels, if written well, can really broaden one’s view of the world around us.

Happy National Read-A-Book Day.

POWER

Hey guys!

[storytime] So on Monday, I was driving to get lunch and there was this highway patrol car in front of me and it was a red light so I stopped behind this car. The light was taking a while since there was a lot of traffic (it was lunchtime) and the patrol car ran the red light. Now, I know that there are exceptions to traffic laws for police and law enforcement when there’s an emergency; but, there was no visible reason-from what I could see- to run the light other than impatience. There was no one speeding because of the high traffic, no car crash, no fire, etc. So, it was a really mind-boggling experience.

Now, I don’t know if it was legal of the person to run that light. I don’t know traffic laws in regards to law enforcement but, it didn’t seem that legal to me. Does anyone know?

So that story was a precursor to the main topic of this post.

Abraham Lincoln once said, “Nearly all men can withstand adversity, but if you want to test a man’s character, give him power.”

We all know that once given power, people change. Some become arrogant. Some make rash decisions. It’s in our nature. I am a huge bibliophile, I love books, I love stories. I love reading about people. An author is good when they are able to fully capture the vulnerability and rawness of being human. A lot of books I read are in the fantasy/mystery genres and its in those books where I’ve learned half of what I know about people. People who are given any kind of power often misuse it-that’s a fact (misuse is subjective I agree). But, the actions they take, are often not ‘good.’

Power corrupts, but how it corrupts is different for everybody. Someone who is in law enforcement-they are given power to make sure that the law is obeyed. This given power has them believing they are the law-and that’s corruption of their character. But this is a generalized example, obviously there are exceptions. Not everyone realizes their own power, and some who do-they realize the danger and their potential. Fame and influence is a power, some don’t realize the potential of that and those that do, they recognize the potential profit and future success that is possible or they choose to use that influence to help others. Any young person in this day and age will recognize the power of media and technology. It’s all about perspective-how you see the world.

(I had this whole post planned but it all went out of the window as soon as I started typing-I get lost in my own head sometimes.)

DAY4

Hey guys! it’s officially day 4 of my a-post-a-day challenge!

So, today’s topic is body image and my advice for loving your body no matter what.

Let’s paint a picture.

Imagine a Taiwanese and Vietnamese mix, 4’11 girl.

She has short hair a little past her shoulders and wears glasses too big for her baby face (but that’s how she likes it).

She’s got so-called ‘small bones,’ with a 23 ½ inch waist, 31 ½ inch hips, and 31 inch bust.

She’s got an arch in her foot because she wore heels at too young an age and that arch is not natural but she looks like she has dancers’ feet now.

She has no thigh gap, she’s got hip dips and belly rolls (just like everybody else) and jiggly upper arms.

I’ve always been told that I was short and much too skinny.

People would always ask me if I was anorexic or bulimic-but I swear I’m not.

My sister calls me fat all the time (not in a malicious way-she just means I have to get up from the couch and go exercise).

I’ve never felt uncomfortable with how I look because I’m confident in myself and that while appearances are important-its how I present myself to others that detract from how I look and put more emphasis on my personality.

I’ve been ‘skinny-shamed,’ and I’ve been called ‘vertically challenged,’ but I’ve never really cared because I’m content with the way I am. You know, its easy to overlook these comments if you’re truly confident in yourself. I make jokes about my height all the time-its easier to win hide and seek by the way.

You can learn to love yourself by: standing in front of a mirror and just say one positive thing about yourself every day; wear the right clothes, ones that make you feel ready to take on the world (I didn’t win best dressed senior by wearing sweats every day ya know); focus on being a good person to those around you-your friends can build up your confidence better than you can alone; there’s plenty of other ways other bloggers have discovered that I haven’t thought of.

The plus-size community is a pretty powerful group of people sharing self-love and image positivity. The reason that this group in particular is so successful, is because they have icons and activists who are confident in themselves and their identity and their fans share that confidence (because we all want to imitate our idols).

If you don’t feel comfortable with the way you are now-then change to be better. If you don’t love your rolls or your love handles, exercise and work for the body you want. It’s all about mindset, you have to believe that you can do it-because in the end if its something that you really want, then you just do it. You can complain and whine as much as you want-as long as you get the job done. There are a lot of people who wallow in self-pity because they’re not happy with the way they are-and what I say to them is this:

“Don’t hate on society for shaming you when you shame yourself. It’s a different story if you accept and love yourself just the way you are. But if you wish that you had the body of a model from that magazine you like, if you wish to look different from the way you are now-then you have to change your attitude. Work hard to obtain the changes you want-because there will always be body-shamers out there and it’s easy to blame them. Don’t take the easy way out.”

I’m not saying its easy. I’m not saying that it’ll be instant results. I’m not saying that you should change to conform to society’s expectations of beautiful (because that is always changing)-but if its your own personal goal-if the reason you want to change is to better yourself-then you have to work hard.