idk what to title this lol

DISCLAIMER THESE ARE ALL OPINIONS NO ONE IS FORCING ANYONE TO ACCEPT WHAT IM SAYING LOL

Someone recently (today haha) asked me about couple compatibility. And, for me, it all comes down to similar core values.

Core values as in the same or similar beliefs in regards to different virtues and vices (I totally borrowed these words from my ethics class). Virtues like honesty, compassion, and pride (there are others lol). Vices like killing, lying, and greed. There are spectrums to these things and I think we all have an opinion/belief on them. So when these core values coincide with another person is when I think compatibility exists between people, it doesn’t always have to be couples, it can be friends too.

I don’t think that having exactly the same interests is as important compared this. Like yes, you can bond over having the same favorite artists or the same show, but it’s not as important. The saying “opposites attract,” is not true in terms of core values.

To give an example, my sister and I have been opposites from since we were very young, we have different interests, different styles, different favorites, different personalities-opposites almost. But the one thing that we are the same in, is our core beliefs-we both value the same things in people and in ourselves: compassion and consideration for others, generosity because we are privileged, all these things. And, one might say that of course we have similar values, we were raised together by the same parents-but my other sister differs completely from us in terms of values. I’m not saying she doesn’t value the same things, but she puts more importance on other things.

But I was also asked what a couple should do if they find themselves incompatible by my defintion. And to what extent? What lines shouldn’t be crossed?

I personally don’t believe that a couple would be together if they were completely incompatible. I think that something must have drawn them together in the first place aside from physical appearance. BUT on the off chance that it does happen, I would say that (as a true romantic would) that if they loved each other enough and they were willing to fight for each other enough, then they should be able to get through it. And, I’m not saying that they should pretend like their differences don’t exist and ignore the problem entirely. But, I think that if they were willing to put in the effort to stay together, then they should focus that effort into understanding the other person’s point of view to gain some clarity.

But, the thing is with this is that, relationships will never be easy-even amongst compatible couples.

But there are lines that shouldn’t be crossed y’know?

To give an example (no this did not happen to me LOL):

An ‘incompatible’ couple with differing views on let’s say killing. Person 1 believes that it’s okay to kill others in defense of family and friends. Person 2 completely disagrees and believes that you should never ever kill anyone no matter the circumstances. Person 1 also believes that lying is unacceptable, that you should always be honest with yourself and others. Person 2 thinks that there are exceptions to this. They both accept that the other has different beliefs from themselves, but they choose to ignore it, they don’t talk about it because its a ‘touchy’ subject. They pretend this problem doesn’t exist-and thats’s not healthy. It’s borderline toxic even, at least in my opinion because I made this basic scenario up.

OR

If person 2 was completely blinded by his/her love (infatuation?) for person 1, that they were ignorant to a difference in values, then I would also consider that to be toxic.

But, what I’m trying to say is that I feel the line is crossed when the relationship becomes toxic. Toxic is subjective, it is different for every relationship so I won’t label something definitively as being toxic. But, I definitely feel like this is one of those things where you have to let your friends in and have them keep you in check. At least, that’s what I do and I make sure they know I appreciate them and what they have to say even if I don’t agree.

thanks for reading this lol

relationships are my soapbox if you longtime readers haven’t noticed yet.

xox celestie

 

diary 10-23-18

So.. sometimes when I’m feeling upset, its easier to process how I feel with words. I essentially word vomit everything I have to say.

Its been two days since my last ‘diary entry.’

My love life took a turn for the worst, maybe one day I’ll share the specifics of what happened, but for now I’ll keep it to myself. Suffice to say that I’ve never felt such a heart-wrenching pain in my life and I’ll be honest, I ugly-cried for like two hours straight in the back of my car because I didn’t trust myself to drive after it happened.

Its been maybe eight hours since the ‘Incident’ and I’m still sad but at the same time calmer. My eyes burn and I feel slightly dehydrated but even though I feel absolutely awful, I know we can come back from this.

I do love him dearly, and that will never change.

You know, I’m someone who learns best from personal experiences and I know that to those around me, I might be acting too forgiving or too hasty or whatever. But, I know that if I just stand by and let it happen, I could never forgive myself. Especially if I could have done something that changed the outcome. So, I feel like I did all that I could but it doesn’t stop it from hurting.

I give so much relationship advice and I can’t help but wonder if the advice I’m giving is good advice. The advice I give others is based on what I would do in that situation. But if I’m making the wrong decisions, how would I know? Choosing to trust and forgive is easy for me, because its all I know. But what if I’m wrong?

 

xoxo celestie

PROUD

My sister, prior to me writing this (obviously LOL), asked me for a friend of hers, if I believed if cheaters can change- and I said,

-that he wouldn’t have cheated in the first place if he cared for her.

-he shouldn’t have cheated on her if he even respected her, even just a little bit.

This lack of respect reminds me of the relationship my best friend had with this guy (yes, I did get permission to tell this story).

I think that while he genuinely liked her for quite a while, he was also burdened by expectations from his friends and people that only knew of him.

I remember when we were kids-fifth graders, everyone knew he had a crush on her and they both had been teased about it for quite a while. Flash forward to the summer before senior year-they go on their first date. It’s all roses and sunshine, I went on a couple double dates with them, etc. Then comes time for college application month, NaNoWriMo to some, etc. Basically, November-the month of craziness. They have their first fight over not going out on enough dates. She’s busy with college stuff so she can’t go out and so they argue. He isn’t happy and basically ignores her for the next four months and the most talking they do is small talk over text. OVER TEXT, guys. Its silent. She finally was able to get a chance to break up with him late May. So, what this tells me is that there were a lot of issues that were never addressed and still have not been addressed. Both had issues and I’m not blind to her problems just because she’s my best friend.

A lack of communication. When the only method of communication that a couple is comfortable using is text-well that’s a big no-no isn’t it.

Too much pressure. Like I mentioned previously, a lot of people had played matchmaker with them and I think one of the reasons they got together was because so many people were indirectly pressuring them to be together.

Both acted cowardly (in my opinion, sorry bestie!). Anyways, they never really confronted each other in person-which ties back to the communication portion. They ignored their problems until it blew up in their faces.

She could have made time for him-the whole argument they had-could have been avoided had she made time for him. Relationships are all about give-and-take, compromise.

At the same time, it was a busy time for her and he could have been more understanding.

Ultimately none of these things that are kind of important to a successful relationship existed.

I side with her because she’s my best friend, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that she wasn’t also in the wrong ya know?

She doesn’t play victim and she knows she has issues-I don’t fake sympathizing with her because she doesn’t need it. I’m proud that she respects herself and him enough to not play victim, to not point fingers.

Final advice?

Find someone who will respect you first as a person, then pursue a relationship if that’s what you wish.

 

[relation]/[friend] ships!

How do you know if you’re in a toxic relationship?

I find that a majority of the time it’s easy to identify toxic elements of a relationship or even a friendship from the outside. A lot of people like to think that once you know you’re in a toxic relationship that it is easy to get out of it, and it’s really not and the problem is that you have other people telling you one thing, while in your mind, there is one half that wants to agree-that maybe your friends are only saying these things to help you; and the other half wants to believe that the other person in the relationship/friendship is not what everyone says that they are-that they are different from what others say. So how do you make the decision between the two?

[personal story time] So, one of my first boyfriends-I guess he could be considered a boyfriend- had a reputation for being a playboy and all of my friends were very disapproving, and I was really into him-blind as a bat- and I thought that he was kind, smart, witty, all that; but I was soon disillusioned by the fact that my friends would continuously tell me “oh no, Celeste, I heard that he only dates girls for a month and then dumps them,” of course, I didn’t believe them and then the things that they said came true and I was regretful that I didn’t heed my friends’ advice. And, most people when they hear this story, they think, “well, don’t worry I won’t make the same mistake,” but its very easy to make the same mistake and there isn’t any shame in making mistakes because we all learn from our own experiences best. So my advice is, having an outside perspective in the form of friends is helpful, but ultimately it is up to you to make decisions that will benefit you the most.

 

Tips for getting into relationships?

Well, a lot of people say that being yourself is key to attracting others; I say that its mainly self-confidence that attracts people. But, in reality most people look for enhanced superficial qualities-basically how you look. And, it seems naïve to say that looks don’t matter because they do. Be the best version of you that you can achieve. Take care of yourself, first and foremost, be healthy. Find what you love and don’t let it go-hobbies like art or cooking-something. I find that a lot of people are attracted to raw beauty and that can be achieved by, again being the best you that you can be. Accept your insecurities-don’t like them? work to change. IF you can’t change what you don’t like, then self-love is the next option, learn to love yourself so that you aren’t dependent when you are in a relationship in the future. Ultimately, all of this, leads to self-confidence and that I feel is what draws people. You notice that it’s usually the beautiful people who are the popular kids-it’s because a majority of them have mastered confidence in themselves and their abilities.

[personal story time] My school’s yearbook has a section dedicated to the superlatives of the seniors and I technically won two categories (we are only allowed to pick one if we won): Best Dressed and Biggest Flirt. I was hoping to win the Best Dressed category when the survey came out. So, it was a shock that I had also won Biggest Flirt-so I asked around and turns out that the people who voted for me, voted for me because I was flirty with most people that I talked to, which didn’t make sense to me, because I don’t really recall doing so. And, after careful “interrogation” of my friends, I found that the way I talk to people can come off as flirty because I put on a front of self-confidence (not that they knew it was a half-formed mask). I mean, that friendly interactions can also be misconstrued as being flirty and so that was the whole premise behind that. So now, I’m more careful with how I talk to others because I don’t want to come off as looking for a relationship when I don’t want one.

Making friends is fun!

It is hard making friends, being the one to approach another first-not my idea of fun. I used to be an introvert throughout middle school and the first year of high school. I never approached new people, I always thought that people that I had been friends with for years would continue to do so-naïve of me. I never bothered to make friends beyond my core group unless someone approached me first, and it is something that I regret. It wasn’t until sophomore year that I knew that I couldn’t go on the same way-too much dependence on this group. So, bucked up the courage to make friends with those around me in my classes-whoever was at my table or in my group for a project-I made an effort to approach them first with an offer of friendship because I somehow knew that it wasn’t in my nature to not be sociable with people. I remember doing my best to fake confidence and cheerfully ask them how their day went or some random ice breaker questions-not because I desperately wanted more friends or whatnot, but because I knew that if I didn’t, I would regret it and I was right. I still do it even now, when I’m so busy with hanging out with friends, maintaining good contact with those I don’t see regularly. Because, friendships are important, not just socially, politically, but also mentally-friendships can encourage happiness and a sense of belonging.

DIGITAL LOVE

My friends are dumb.

Everyone knows they like each other.

But they refuse to come clean.

‘Tis a cliché.

But there isn’t much one can do is there?

I’ve found that a majority of teen romances are a pale imitation of real life romance. But, what would I know, I’m a writer and a reader. So, much of what I know of life can be attributed to books.

Anyways, back to the topic: teen romance.

Teen romance is very much its own family of clichés, and a majority of them are a result of societal expectations and naivety. Back to one of my previous posts, Relationships Are Hard, I mention social media as one of the main reasons teen relationships don’t last particularly long and its because social media is one of the tools by which society is shaped. The news puts a spotlight on issues that must be addressed and it usually does so by pointing out the negative traits of people. And, certainly that is good a majority of the time. But it is how the media shapes society. They put a rose-tinted lens on relationships and criticize couples who aren’t perfect.

We (teens) are in a unique position where we have access to technology that can allow us to do amazing things and sometimes that is the problem: the internet can teach us a lot-much like relationships.

Where do we go if we want to find information quickly? The internet.

So, finding information on relationships is pretty easy on the internet. Its easy to make friends over the internet. Its easy to like someone over text. It isn’t the same as a face to face relationship. Can we really claim it’s a relationship if it is online?

It is easy to say, “I love you,” from behind a computer screen, but it’s not as easy saying it face to face.

When teens interact with each other in person, a crush, its rather awkward isn’t it?

This brings me back to my dumb friend who is crushing hard-he doesn’t admit it of course- now it is quite tragic that he is spending a lot of time fawning over a girl who will be gone in a few weeks, but I say it’s a good thing. He seems quite eager to get a girlfriend-I do not understand why-anyways, that’s just how it is, so I sit back and watch in amusement when he reads this and complains that he is not love sick and that he’s not desperate but we both know he is.